Cool Marriage Jokes

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has,

you wish you had ordered that.
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Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
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It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women

and then he turns them into Wives.
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If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about

something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than

electronic banking. It's called marriage.
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Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
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Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
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Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master

of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
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Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much

that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he

is going thru hell.
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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other

ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him

keep her.
Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;

they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,

"What does a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go

to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music

and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than

electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michae Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and

the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "M wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies,

“That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because

a lady went first!”
David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then

the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno 

 

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Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband. "Miss" For One

Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.
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There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.

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Wife : I Will Die.

Husband : I Will Also Die.

Wife : Why Will You Die ?

Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.
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My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He

Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.
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Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet Those Waiting Outside Are

Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come

Out.
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Text Messaging :

Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife

My Love,

If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.

If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.

If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.

I Love You.

Wife Texted Back :

I'm In The Toilet,

What Should I Send You?
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Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention. One Double And You Start

Feeling Single Again.

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A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse

He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.

The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me

The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."

The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man

And Wife."

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Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle

Wife?` Google Search Result, `Still Searching`.

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Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A

Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What

Are You Doing.. Husband: “MISSING YOU”..

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A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible

Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."

The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"

The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."

The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's

poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll

See What I Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."

The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well I Spoke To Her

For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"

The Man Said Yes

The Rabbi Replied,

"Take The poison"...!